“I’m not giving an excuse – I’m giving a reason”.
I have said it, you have said it, and our friends have said it and we are all wrong.
When I hear myself saying it, I know I have messed up and am scrambling.
Websters describes an “excuse”:
- to make apology for
- to try to remove blame from
- to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import
- to serve as excuse for : justify
When you are “Giving a reason”, “Explaining your actions”, or start a sentence with “Because” you are giving an Excuse.
Excuses are terrible things because they focus on the negative and every time we do it – we destroy ourselves by a tiny bit. However, A slight change to a Positive Mental Attitude and the same conversation can improve as people and move us closer to success.
These breath wasters occur when a Goal has not been met. The goal may have been an explicit one created by ourselves, a goal we didn’t even know we set for ourselves, or a goal set for us by somebody else. A Goal set by somebody else is called an “expectation”.
When a Goal is not met, sometimes we feel a need to explain ourselves and sometimes we are asked by somebody else. This other person can be a spouse, boss, parent, child, a friend, a co-worker, or even a perfect stranger. We are so conditioned by our parents, our schooling and people around us, that many of us just start immediately responding without any thought. The response is an excuse.
I want to share how a Positive Mental Attitude strategy can convert this common occurrence into an opportunity for growth and improvement.
While this approach is about dealing with day-to-day life, with refinement it also works in legal and quasi-legal environments.
First Things First – Start with the assumption that that there is something positive about “excuses”
Zale!!!! You have created a contradiction. On one hand you say excuses are bad, and then a just a few sentences later you make the bold and clearly contradictory statement that there must be something positive about excuses.
This is the basis of a Positive Mental Attitude – everything has a purpose and a value. It just needs to be reworked and understood from a different perspective and it positive.
We need to break excuses into little pieces to get the understanding we need to convert it into an opportunity.
Lets now approach the problem of giving an excuse.
Ask Yourself “Why Is The Excuse Being Given?”
In the simplest case – nobody has asked for a reason and nobody wants to hear it, but an excuse is given anyway. This happens a zillion times a day. People walk late into a meeting and start explaining why they are late, and to my amazement, there isn’t even a funny story to go along with it.
For some reason many of us just feel the need to explain our behavior. While I am sure many years of therapy can explain this in an individuals case, the general reason is that one’s own internal mechanisms need us to look good to ourselves. While I have zero claims to providing therapy, I have some some ideas on how to take a course of action.
Lets understand a few reasons why is it so important not to give an excuse when you haven’t been asked.
- It is boring
- It clear its an excuse
- You are probably undermining your credibility
- You may be making a fool out of yourself
- People want to get on with what’s important
Stopping the simplest situation is a simple rule, Don’t Give An Excuse Until Somebody Asks For One. There are the exceptions – such as a funny story or a piece of information relevant to others. Such as “Highway 401 has been shut down”.
After you have learned the rule, the next step is to ask yourself “Why Do I Feel The Need To Give The Excuse?” The answer to this question is complex and is beyond the scope of this article. But here are some suggestions that you may consider, “You think its polite or normal social behavior”, “”You may feel competition with the listener”, or “You feel insecure, believing that providing an excuse will make everybody happy”.
Once you stop giving excuses when you haven’t been asked, you will be shocked to see how frequently people around you do it and how useless it is. But, don’t tell them that until they ask.
The next case is when you are asked for a reason in a neutral way, such as “What happened?”
Here you have two choices:
- You can take the question in a negative manner, or
- You can the question in a positive manner.
In the negative case, the person asking could be attacking you, they are looking to embarrass or demean you, or looking for evidence of instability. Positive reasons for asking can be they want to help you, they are concerned about your well being, they are looking to avoid the same situation in their own lives, or just simple curiosity.
When presented with having to provide a reason, some common thoughts are – “What’s my history with this person?” “What is my relationship with this person?“, and the one that causes the largest problem is “Why is this person asking?”
All these questions assume that there is probably a negative reason for your being asked the question, and your immediate response will be emotional and probably evasive which will be problematic, no matter why the question was asked.
How can we respond such that both the negative and the positive are handled? My approach is based on the three key steps in success (Goal, Plan, and Team).
- Take the question at face value – its almost impossible to fully comprehend why you were asked and what the potential ramifications of the answer would be.
- Set the standard with the goal, plan and team and what didn’t happen:
“I goal was to complete the 1/2 Marathon in 2:20, I trained using the Running Room Method but, I completed it in 2:45.”, Or
“I expected to be here at 2:00 using the 401 and 409, but I got here at 2:20″. - State what was missing -
“My training didn’t include training for unusually high temperatures”, or,
“In my experience that routes takes me 20 minutes, but I don’t check for construction.” - State what you will do in the future (and only if something needs changing)
“Since the temperature was unusually high, I am not going to change my training at all”, or,
“This high temperature is starting to become common, so I am adding Heat Training to my schedule”, or
“I am going to add another 20 minutes to my trip here until the construction is completed”.
If you notice the answers were all short and to the point.The examples I have used are very simple and for illustrative purposes only. The approach works for larger problems with big implications as well.
With the greatest respect, I would like to give the Columbia and Challenger shuttle failures as examples of how answers to the question of “What happened” were answered. As we know the causes and the resolutions of the these two disasters are based in thermodynamics, advanced engineering and complex manufacturing processes. The average person would be lost in understanding any of the details.
However, we were all able to understand the big picture. “The Shuttle blew up because The O-Ring/Foam Insulation failed. We have reworked and reviewed our programs and procedures and do not expect it to happen in the future.”
Here are some of the thing you will achieve by approaching the problem this way:
- You and your listeners understand you have reviewed your performance.
- You have demonstrated that you have learned from the experience and the lessons will improve your future performance.
- You have demonstrated your understanding that the goal wasn’t met.
- You looked at the plan and other items to understand why the goal wasn’t met.
- You may have adjusted your goals, plan or added or changed your team so that future issues are resolved.
- You have identified what changes are needed to meet the the goal in the future.
I think the above accomplishments are pretty positive and certainly have turned a negative situation into a positive one.
How To Avoid The Situation Of Giving Excuses
The best of course is to avoid the situation of not meeting a goal. But the reality is that we miss goals all the time.
Meeting or missing goals usually has an impact on the people around you and their ability to meet their goals.
There are a number of strategies that work well to reduce the impact of missing a goal. While my points below are well known, it seems a review of them is necessary because of the number of senior executives I have met that have forgotten them.
- When your goal is dependent on 3rd parties, ensure that you make it clear to all interested parties that your are unable to make a solid commitments because your commitments is dependent on 3rd parties. It is amazing how often people fail at this.
Rather than saying “I will deliver the papers on Thursday”, say “I hope to deliver these documents 2 days after I receive them from my lawyer. My lawyer has told me that he expects to get them to me on Tuesday. However, I cannot commit to Thursday as the date is dependent on my lawyer delivering the papers on time.” - You must share with people as soon as you are aware that you will not be meeting a goal. In our example, call when the papers do not arrive on Tuesday.
- Keep people informed of the progress to meet a goal. The greater the importance of the goal to them, the more frequent the updates should be. If the papers do arrive on Tuesday, call and tell them you are on schedule.
Keyword Related posts:
